All That Glitters Isn't Gold

In my twenty-five long, but short, years in life, I’m realizing that the world that I was envisioning when I was a child no longer exists.

As a child born at the start of this millennia, while simultaneously being considered an old soul from decades prior, I feel like I’m constantly standing on the outside of the matrix. I always imagined adult life would be like what they displayed on TV shows. Connecting with communities, rapid potential for growth, expressive love, boundless opportunities, and freedom. Or at least that’s how they portrayed it to be. I saw life through a rose-colored kaleidoscope. Boy, did those come off not too long after high school.

Realizing that we’re wrapped up in our own inner conflicts and project them onto each other due to our own insecurities, placed me on the outside of the Matrix at an early age, because I could always see their perspective, but felt like it was never reciprocal. Being taught that being a good person goes a long way, and that good always conquers evil. But sometimes being on the right side of situations and knowingly going against forces that don’t necessarily want you to win can feel disorienting. Like, how does this happen in real life? I thought that only happens in the fictional forms of media. I forgot to realize that life imitates art, and vice versa.

But if you’re an empath like I am, you absorb their energies, leaving you running empty and them fully charged. You don’t realize it at first that they use you as an energy source, rather than a companion. Being a younger person with emotional intelligence feels like a double-edged sword. Knowing that certain people and situations are only going to lead you to future suffering, but also wanting the thrill of carelessness. Knowledge is the key to success, but also be the cause of your discomfort. Is it better to take the red pill or the blue pill?

Everything in life is a spectrum. Regardless of the term “spectrum” currently having a negative connotation attached to it. Black and white are a spectrum of each other; there are plenty of variations to consider, and that’s why I never believed in a black-and-white way of thinking. There’s always more to what you’re seeing, it’s all how you imply it. There’s a plethora of words that are no longer allowed to be said without the chance of it triggering an argument. And if you’re someone like me, who’s a lover rather than a fighter, you’d rather roll over to keep peace. But what about our peace? Who provides peace to the peacemaker? And if the peacemaker finally chooses to fight, there wasn’t a fight to begin with. It’s all internal.

Throughout this point in my life, and in this article, my skin color didn’t seem to phase me, but I didn’t realize the magnitude of how it mattered to others. From my perspective, I’m just a girl trudging through life trying to aim for in/eternally happiness regardless of any kind of origin. While this free, forward way of living is liberating, but for me it’s been limiting. It’s felt like I was constantly hitting a wall that’s preventing me from having it. But what was it? I have the answer, but hate the truth behind it.

The ever-evolving rules for black women is disorienting to say the least. Being sexualized from such an early age, being perceived as an angel from some, a devil from those from afar, and human to those that matter to me. I didn’t get humanized until I returned from isolation. There were still misdirected anger from some, but I’ve learned to let those folks go, and work with those who work with you. The pain of betrayal always stings, but it hurts less with time.

Growing up, I always believed in love, fairytales, fantasy, and plenty more. Just a girl. Like any other. But when you get older, some people choose not see those things, the good. What I chose to liberate me, is that same thing that gets used against me. The suppressed oppresses their peers, rather than working together. Community is the key to resolution. The true resolution is transparency; oneness. The ability to evaluate and work as team should be the goal.

I’ve been learning that regardless of what’s been displayed out to me, it won’t always equate to your reality. But what you choose to do with that reality makes a world of difference.